Retired Waitress

After seven years of serving, I'm throwing in my apron. Last night was, I desperately hope, my last night ever waiting tables. To say the least, it was an epic final serving shift.

First of all, my friend Jessica brought me a big pink Princess pin to wear. Awesome.

I had a hit-or-miss section, and last night it was a hit. I had two fairly easy parties that I was able to grat. It was easy money, but I still managed to pull some silly waitress moments. The second party was a group of eighteen, celebrating a couple who just got married over the weekend. They were pushy and wanted everything to be just perfect. Naturally, I forgot to put in the groom's order...oops! I had to figure I would screw something up on my last table. This party was a bunch of finger-snappers too, who thought they deserved some kind of royal treatment. They were a great send-off for me.

Since the money was too easy, the restaurant had to do something to give me grief on my last shift. It just so happened to be a night before we bombed the restaurant for bugs, so we all had about an hour of extra cleaning to do. They wouldn't let me get out too easily.

After wiping windows and polishing one last rack of silverware, I triumphantly threw my apron away. As happy as I was to serve my last pizza, I was very sad to leave this restaurant. Since I didn't have family or friends here in Florida, this restaurant easily became a second home to me. The employees and managers became my Florida family. It became a place I could come cry to for help, which I did many times. It is a place that has given me lots of love and support, and I will truly miss it.

Serving is a job that I think everyone needs to experience. I've learned a lot from the different restaurants I've worked at. I've met many of my closest friends through this industry and I have incredible memories with these people. Serving is great money most of the time. I enjoyed it through high school and college, but since I've gotten my degree I just can't stand waiting tables and not getting any further with my writing career. This job is not for me anymore.

I've taken a vow to never wait tables again, but of course you can never really say never. My dream is to see my name on the cover of a book before I ever see it printed on another server check. And I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. I have to think of getting a book published like serving tables: no matter how hard or unbearable the table seems, you have to stick with it to the end. You might get a bad tip, but you have to keep going and take the next table. If it's not everything you hoped at the end of the night, at least you tried your hardest and never walked out.

Sometimes Your Waitress is Just Dumb...

I think my karma has come back to bite me. After all these posts of how terrible some people are in the restaurant, I think I have become the waitress an angry customer would blog about.

I only have one week left at the restaurant I'm at now, so my mind certainly hasn't been very focused at work. Unfortunately, the clumsy waitress in me has been coming out more than ever.

Sometimes I'll have those moments when a table is about to leave, and I remember that I forgot to bring them barbecue sauce or something silly that they asked for at the beginning. I'll feel bad because they were nice enough not to nag me about it, but I feel stupid for having forgotten about it until they're getting ready to leave. Sometimes I'll screw myself over and give my table too much change, because I can't count. Sometimes I'll forget their salad. These are just little things that don't happen all the time, but can really make a server feel silly.

My dumbest serving moment happened last week. I was taking a table's order, and was engaged in some conversation with the mother at the table because everyone was taking a while to order. The man told me he'd like the baked haddock, so I asked which two sides he would like with that. He took another minute to look over the menu, so I began talking with the woman again about some cookbook she was selling or something. A minute later, the man blurted out that he wanted fries and a salad. Somehow, the baked haddock order had been erased from my mind and I hadn't written it out. So I said, "You just want fries and a salad?" He nodded, thinking he was getting two sides with his baked haddock.

I put his order in as a side of fries and a side salad. You can see where this is going...

I brought it all out, and asked if they needed anything else. The man said, "I assume my haddock is on its way?"

It didn't register with me at all. "I'm sorry, you didn't order haddock. You just asked for the fries and salad." It took another minute or so for this to finally click in my head. Wow! I have never felt so stupid.

When I told my manager and a few other servers what I did, they applauded me, saying they had never seen anything so stupid. Congratulations to me!

How to Piss Off Your Server

This is a list of annoying things guests do on a daily basis. If you would like to receive good service, avoid these horrible habits.

Don't...

• ask for a Coke when the server just said that they carry Pepsi products.
• complain about being cold. Restaurants generally have air conditioning.
• make demands. Ask nicely.
• snap your fingers at a server.
• chug your first beverage before the server is finished taking the order. Then we just know we're going to be refilling your glass every thirty seconds.
• let your kids run wild.
• let your kids make a mess, and leave it for your server to clean up.
• ask us for something when our hands are full of plates, drinks, etc.
• ask us for something when we're at another table.
• ask us to list the side dishes for one person, then ask us to repeat them because you weren't listening.
• blame the server for your food tasting funny.
• act like you're the only table in the restaurant.
• order soups, salads, or wraps after 10pm. We end up making a huge mess while we're trying to clean up and close.
• come in at ten minutes until close and think you will get good service.
• ask to have your tea sweeter, then complain that it's too sweet.
• seat yourselves, just don't do it.
• ask to be moved to a different table unless there is a REALLY good and obvious reason.
• ask for something different every time the server comes by. Ask for whatever you will need all at once, or else you will get some serious eye-rolling.
• ask if you can get anything for free. It's not as funny as you think it is.
• eat more than half your meal, then say you didn't like it and would like it comped off your check.
• sit for hours, and tip as if you weren't taking up one of the server's tables.
• say you're ready to order, then stare at the menu for five minutes saying "ummmm...."
• remain silent when we kindly greet your table and say, "Hi, how are you today." Rudest. Thing. Ever.

I could go on and on, but I think I've proven my point. These are just the little things that really get to me as a server. After seven years of waiting tables, it's still hard not to let these little habits get under my skin. Unfortunately, my patience level gets lower every time one of these things happens.

Sooner or later, I will snap.

And it will be ugly.

A Night of Unfortunate Events

The worst thing about a serving job is the inconsistency. Everything can go smoothly one night, the nxt night I might be tempted to go on a murder spree. That's how this week has been for me, with Tuesday night being exceptionally terrible.

Our restaurant has been slow lately, so I was happy to get a party of eight around 10pm. On parties of eight or more, we're allowed to add 18% gratuity to their check. I took their order happily, knowing I was guaranteed at least a $30 tip from them. They're eating their chicken wing appetizers and everyone is happy. All of a sudden, a huge cockroach starts crawling around their table. Crap....

The table moved to another section and was transferred over to another server. Bye bye $30 tip.

Then, I'm sat with a party of seven teenagers. Being sat with a party of seven is like being punched in the face. We recount each person over and over, hoping one of them has multiplied so that there are eight people and we can add gratuity. Is one lady pregnant? Cause that has to count for two people! The baby sleeping in the high chair who won't be eating, he definitely counts as an eighth person.

I wasn't that lucky. It was just seven spoiled-brat teenagers. These kids, who were trying to get free stuff from me, ordered as though they were rolling in the dough. They wanted to add shrimp to this, steak to that. Chicken wings, desserts, you name it.

Most teenagers who come in groups are rude and disrespectful. I hope to God that they have to wait tables at some point in their lives; they have it coming for them. I tell them their wings are taking a little longer and I'll bring them out when they're ready. "Does that mean they're free?" Hell no, they're not free! They ask for to-go boxes, and one demands that I give him a box of bread to take home. I reply ever so kindly, "This isn't Olive Garden. You'll be paying for that."

They ask for their free refills every two minutes and run me to the ground. It sucks, knowing these teenagers aren't going to tip me and yet I am under their mercy.

Then of course, after they're half-way done with their pastas, three of them claim their broccoli is too tough and would like to order something different. We had to give them three new free pastas. Brats.

I split all their checks, which are a combined total of over $100. They each give me exact change with no tip. Except for the bread-guy, he shorts me a dollar and I certainly let him know it.

They all received the stink eye from me until they left, and may have heard a few immature comments from me to other servers. Oh well.

After that night of losing what should have been $50 in tips, and most of my self-respect, I couldn't bare the thought of going in the next day and doing it all over again. But I went, had three parties with over eight people and couldn't have asked for a better night.

As servers, we probably all come off having multiple personalities: crazy and pissed off one night and happy and blissful the next. Friends, please don't blame us. Restaurants have made us this way.